For people who love and keep pets, one of the most traumatic moments they will ever experience is bidding farewell to their furry of feathered best friend. Most pet people imagine that they could not feel any worse than they do during this terrible experience. Unfortunately, often we can, and for the most ironic of reasons.

At a time when we are at our lowest and sorely in need of comforting from a friend or relative, instead, too frequently we find callousness or indifference. Sometimes those we love come up short in the compassion department and unwittingly say cruel and hurtful things. Commonly, we hear things like “get over it already, it was just a cat”, or “what is your problem, just go buy another dog”. Friends don’t mean to be cruel. Some simply do not understand the depth of our pain or cannot relate to how we are feeling.

I want to caution you not to over-react to their lack of understanding. Don’t buy into the philosophy that when you are down and out, you will learn who your true friends are by the way they act toward you. This may be true when you lose your job or when you become divorced, because friendships are often based on social considerations. If the make-up of your family changes, for instance (i.e. your wife leaves with the children, etc.), your neighbors may not find you as socially attractive as before. If you lose your job, and coincidentally your income, you may not be able to afford membership at the local golf club and shallow friends may shun you because you have become a potential burden to them.

Losing a pet does not usually change your social status, however. It does not make you an unattractive neighbor or economically-challenged golf partner. Consequently, if your friends are not there for you when you need their support, there probably are other factors at play that have nothing to do with your friendship.

Friends undoubtedly feel your pain very, very deeply. They perceive that you are very low and they want to help, but sometimes even your closest friends do not know what to do for you. They are not sure how to react to your grief. They do not know how to approach the topic or are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Their first response is usually an attempt to try to cheer you up, not realizing that this is the last thing you need or want. That failing, they feel inadequate and unable to help. Perhaps they are ashamed that they initially came across as flippant when they did not mean to. Now, certain that they have offended you, they try to avoid you, or at least avoid the topic. The effect is that they appear to be indifferent and unfeeling in your hour of need.

This makes them no less your friend than they were before your loss. They still love you and care about you. They simply are not equipped emotionally to help. We perceive this as a failure on their part, and indeed, it is; but it is a failure to know how to help, not a failure as a friend.

If you value your friendship, your reaction to this perceived failure should be one of grace. The relationship may hang on your ability to be understanding. Undoubtedly, it is unfair to you in your hour of need to be required to exercise wisdom and compassion for someone who you think is letting you down. But if you value that relationship, it is worth the effort. Don’t react harshly. Don’t react impulsively. Put your emotions on hold until such time that you can make a measured response.

I have found that by saying something like: “I know that what I am going through is difficult for you to understand. I know you want to help me, but there is really nothing you can do right now. I need to go through the pain and I need to grieve. If you would just give me some time and be patient, eventually my pain will be manageable and I will start being my old self again”; friends will give you space and understand.

Then, the ball is in your court. Don’t let what you told them be words only. You need to follow through on your promise. Grieve as long as you must, but start to focus on returning to normal. Time will assist you in that goal, but real healing comes from within.

Most of us play the “what if” game and wind up blaming ourselves for one thing or another regarding the passing of our pets. Don’t do that. No matter what the circumstances, don’t blame yourself for what happened. Focus on the love and devotion you had for your best friend and concentrate on the good times. Eventually, you will wake up one morning and realize your life is returning to normal.

When you do, you will see that friends and family are still there for you. Forgive their inability to relate to what you were going through. It doesn’t mean they didn’t care. It doesn’t mean they didn’t love you. In fact, in most cases you will find that it was because they cared, because they loved you, that they kept their distance in respect for your grief.

Grieving is one of the few times in our lives when we are allowed to be selfish and to over-indulge. You take whatever time you need in this very private matter. No one should tell you how long to mourn. Set those who care about you at ease and let them know you need time to grieve and be alone. But when you are finished, return to normal for them. The pain will still be there, but you will have framed it in context with the rest of your life and other relationships will have remained intact.

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Helping Children Cope With Pet Loss – 3 Tips to Help Infants and Children Up to Three Years

The subject of death and dying can be a very challenging topic for a parent to help a child understand. When a family pet dies, this is usually the first time a child has experienced death. Infants and children up to age three will probably not understand what the death of a pet means, but, can easily pick up the unease, stress, and emotions other family members are feeling.

How a child sees others nearby handle a pet’s death will have long term consequences of their view of death and dying. It is okay to show your feelings of pain and sorrow by crying, but, the feelings should be controlled, and viewed as a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. A good approach is to be honest about describing the finality of death, and to use the words “death and dying.”

In helping children cope with a pet loss, it is important to recognize that a child does not have enough experience in life to fully understand the concept of death. A simple explanation stating that the pet has died and will not return, is all that is really needed. The child should be reassured that nothing he/she said or did contributed to the death. A child may show signs of regressing such as a return to thumb sucking or have a temper tantrum. Some may have a nightmare or express fear that their parents will also die. These are all normal reactions to something that is unknown and new.

The following three tips can give ideas on how to handle a pet’s death with children up to age three:

1) reassure the child by embracing and hugging him/her

2) try to maintain the day to day normal household routine

3) consider replacing the pet as a child in this age range can generally welcome a new pet quite readily

When there is a death of a pet and children are involved, special tact should be made to help them understand what is going on and that it is alright to cry and be upset.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet’s death? CLICK HERE or go to: http://www.petlosshelp.info to get more tips and relief in coping with your pet loss.

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Cope With Pet Loss With These 5 Easy Tips

Copyright (c) 2009 Rebecca Kimes

Losing a beloved pet is often one of the most significant losses in your life. Your loss will cause you to suffer from crying, depression, appetite loss, sleeplessness, anger, guilt and anxiety.

It?s important to know that everything you are going through is a natural process. However there are steps, tools, and processes you can take advantage of that will make the grieving process easier.

Here are 5 ways to help you grieve. These tips will allow you to move ahead in your life with more ease and grace.

Acknowledge That You Have the Right to Grieve

All too often the grieving process is complicated by feelings that you are over-reacting to the loss of your pet. “Why are you upset, it was only a cat” is something that many of your friends and family might say.

These well-wishers may not realized the depth of attachment that you shared with your constant and loyal companion. Realize right now that it was and still is a meaningful, heart-felt relationship and you have every right to deeply miss your companion and grieve.

Form a Support Network

During this vulnerable time surround yourself with people who understand and are empathetic to your situation. There are many support systems and communities available. Your veterinarian may have suggestions as well as your local humane society. Many cities offer local, in-person pet loss support groups. There are numerous forums and communities so you can meet people who are also dealing with pet loss.

Perform a Ritual

When you feel ready performing a ritual is a way to formally say goodbye to your companion. It also gives you permission to move on with your life. You could have a funeral for you pet even several weeks or months after their passing. Consider performing a candle ceremony with select friends and family. Let your inner creativity shine and design a ritual from your heart. Know that whatever you choose will be perfect.

Take Care of Your Body

The grieving process affects your body. During such times it is important to give your body extra care and attention. Going for walks out in Nature can clear your head and ground you. Exercise can help put you body back in balance.

Consider getting a massage. Massages release toxins and relax you. What else can you do to pamper and take care of yourself during such a trying time?

Learn to Soothe Yourself

Soothing yourself is an important process to learn and implement during times of intense grief. It is a way to feel better and allow yourself to move up the vibrational scale.

Essentially, talk to yourself as you would talk to a hurt child. ?I know that I am feeling extremely down today. But that?s OK. I?ll be with what I feel because I know that really soon I?ll feel better. I know that I have lots of options right now. I could go on-line and connect with new friends. Or I could call my grief coach. I am certain that these feelings of grief will soon go away. I also know that my animal companion is with me, right now, in spirit. And if I become still, and go within I can easily connect with her spirit. Actually, I can feel my spirits lifting right now. Yes, I do feel better. And I will feel even better if I take a hot bath right now. I am very thankful that I have some time to relax and take wonderful care of myself. I deserve it.?

Play with this new tool often, whenever you feel like you would like a little lift to your spirits. You will be amazed at how effective soothing yourself is.

Take heart that although this is a seemingly impossible time you will soon feel better. There are many resources and people to help you elegantly recover from the loss of your beloved animal companion.

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Pet Loss and Grief – 4 Steps to Help Cope With Feelings of Guilt

When we have a pet, we naturally take on a deep sense of responsibility. Our pet depends on us for food, water, shelter, healthcare, and love. When we suffer a pet loss, the grief may seem overwhelming. One of the strongest emotions we can feel after a pet’s death is guilt. 

Feeling guilt is a normal reaction to the grief we are going through after experiencing a pet loss. If you lost a pet through an accident, you may be thinking “if only I had…” 

- Been keeping a closer eye  

- Exercised more caution  

- Had come directly home  

- Been more aware  

If you lost a pet through an unforeseen illness, you may be wondering “why didn’t I…”

 - Get to the veterinarian sooner?  

- Consider getting another medical opinion?  

- Pay closer attention to see signs of illness?  

- Not wait so long to do anything?  

You may still find other reasons to feel guilty about a pet’s death, thinking “if only I had…”

 - Not been so preoccupied  

- Devoted more attention  

- Not pushed him/her off my lap  

- Not yelled at him/her  

Sometimes there is nothing we can when our pet succumbs to an illness or suffers an injury. In working through feelings of guilt, we may learn how to better identify symptoms of ill health or gain knowledge from a mistake. The following four steps can assist in coping with feelings of guilt after a pet’s death: 

1) Talk about your feelings to a family member or close friend who can provide more objectivity  

2) Change the focus from your feelings of powerlessness to the times you had with your pet in good health and the occasions you took excellent care of your pet

3) Recognize that you cared for your pet the best way you could at that time, that injuries and sickness happen, and that people make errors

4) Talk to your veterinarian about any remaining concerns about your pet’s state of health

Although the pet loss and grief can be devastating, it is important to remember that having feelings of guilt are to be expected and it will take time to work through them and begin the healing process.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet’s death? CLICK HERE or go to: http://www.petlosshelp.info to get more tips and relief in coping with your pet loss.

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Reactions to grief
How a child responds to losing a pet really depends on the intensity of their bond, as well as the child’s maturity and circumstances surrounding the loss. Children tend to show grief in spurts and for longer periods than adults. Children often show their grief in less direct ways than adults. One day they will seem fine and the next day they may show that they are feeling pain. Children may try to get closeness, care, information, reassurance and support from adults.

Even the most sensitive adult may feel uncomfortable discussing death, loss and grief with children. Parents often want to protect children from pain by shielding them from painful experiences, particularly if the pet will be euthanized. Children are often excluded from the decision to spare them the guilt associated with such a difficult choice.

What you can do
Ensure that your child can express their feelings safely without judgment. Depending on your child’s age and maturity, feelings can be expressed through play, water play, writing a letter, a story, a poem, painting or drawing.

Give clear and honest information to your child in a way that they can understand. Children need to know what is happening even if they don’t ask.

Allow your child time to talk, ask questions and share their worries with a caring adult. They might be very confused and need to ask lots of questions. If you can’t talk about it, find another adult who is close to your child who can. If children can’t talk to you about the loss, they might feel that it is not safe to talk about it at all and so continue to have muddled and scary feelings. You may have to answer the same question over and over as your child learns to understand what has happened.

If the child is acting angrily or withdrawing, try to make times to talk, without pushing for answers. If it continues, talk to a health professional.

Be honest. If you don’t tell them what has happened, you may prevent them from dealing with the loss and grieving. This can cause problems when they have other losses in their lives.

Consider letting your child’s teacher or childcare worker know if you think they will be sensitive. Teachers and friends at school can help to support your child.

Although you may feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to share your sadness. It may help your child to see that their own feelings are normal. Learning to cope with the death of a pet may make it easier to deal with other losses, which are a natural part of life.

Allow times for extra closeness and comfort.

Shortly after the loss, the pain may outweigh the pleasurable memories of having a pet. Once the pain has diminished, you and your child may feel ready to become attached to a new pet. Your child may feel guilty about replacing the pet that has gone, perhaps worrying that they might forget about that pet. Grief is essentially about wanting to maintain a connection with someone who has died. There are many healthy ways to maintain this connection. Your child may feel better if they keep the pet’s collar or put a framed photo on display.

For many people, a pet is considered to be an important member of the family. Losing a pet can, therefore, cause a substantial amount of grieving in a household. When there are children involved, special consideration should be made as this is often a child’s initial exposure with death.

In helping your child cope with pet loss, it is important to realize that everyone (including the parents) is going to be emotionally affected. You will need to convey to your children that it is okay to grieve. By showing your own emotions and grief, this sends a message that the pet was an extraordinary member of the family, and allows your children to also show their sadness and thus, start the healing process.

For children ages 2-6, the death of their pet will feel like the loss of a friend. A child may not see the death as something permanent. They may think their pet is asleep, or feel that bad behavior or anger directed towards the pet caused the death. By avoiding saying the pet has been “put to sleep,” or “run away,” you can minimize confusion or doubt. If you say that their pet’s body no longer works and that the pet will not be returning, this helps keep the explanation simple.

The following three tips can give ideas on how to handle a pet’s death with children ages 2-6:

1) inform your child’s teachers about the pet loss in case there are any behavior changes

2) hold off on getting another pet until your child shows a desire for one

3) be open to having as many conversations as needed to allow your child to share his/her emotions and worries

Helping your child cope with pet loss will take some extra attention, however, children are generally able to accept their pet is gone and recover from the loss.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet’s death?