coping with pet loss

The Bookends—Dogs Who Inspired Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss

Framed White Puppy Dog Angel with Wings, Luna, American Pit Bull Terrier, Staffordshire, In Heaven from the Rainbow Bridge


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The Bookends—Dogs Who Inspired Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss

The Bookends

I had raced to the Petco when I learned from someone at our local humane society that they were showing a three-year-old male West Highland white terrier for adoption there. Just as I approached this beautiful dog, my heart sank. There was another woman signing his adoption papers. Though disappointedâ??because Iâ??d looked for such a dog for two yearsâ??I would nevertheless have been happy for his getting a good homeâ?¦if only that were what was happening here.

His intake form read â??Reasons animal is being relinquished: family allergic, and dog doesnâ??t do well alone for long periods.â? I almost lost it as this adoptive woman casually said in my presence, â??Well, weâ??re all allergic, too, but weâ??ll see how it goes.â? She followed this up with, â??We all work all day, but heâ??ll be all right, wonâ??t he?â? And last, when I noted he was due for a haircut, she wrinkled her nose and said, â??Oh you donâ??t have to do that, do you?â?

This woman obviously had no clue what she was getting into with adopting a terrier whoâ??d already had a minimum of two previous homes. And what was worse, sheâ??d raised every possible red flag for the adoption agency and still they let the transaction go through!

Incensed on his behalf, I gave the woman my business card. I told her I already had one Westie, I run a home-based business and thus heâ??d never be alone for long, and dogs are elevated to god-like status in my house. Pushy broad that I am, despite my Minnesota Nice upbringing, I flat-out said, â??Whenâ?¦and ifâ?¦this doesnâ??t work out, call me.â?

That was on a Sunday in 1996. By the following Thursday, Ludwig was welcomed into his forever home with my menagerie of critters and me.

He was adored, pampered, and cherished every day until his last, when he died of prostate cancer the night before Thanksgiving 2005. This beautiful boy had survived the usually deadly virus leptospirosis two years earlier and went on to be the ring bearer in my wedding in 2004.

When he died, my husband and I knew we wanted to memorialize him somehow yet not be totally centered on ourselves. We decided to hold an All-Pets Memorial service, wherein people could bring photos of their own beloved, long-lost animal family members. An astounding thirty human beings attended, crowded into our living room. Tears, tales, and terrier-shaped treats were shared. We learned about what nearly 100 honored pets had brought into the lives of our friends, and all hearts were healed a bit that day.

Someone there came up to me and said, â??Sid, you should write a book about memorializing pets.â? That planted the seed that took several years to germinate and finally fully bloom. In August 2009, I published Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss. In it, I provide both personal and professional insights into the animal loverâ??s unique grieving process.

Just two days after my husband and I sent out prayers to Ludwig and asked him to paw-pick especially for us the next doggie we were supposed to share our lives with, my husband found Mortimerâ??s listing on Petfinder. (We saved him from the hideous temporary name Sir Chuckyâ??I kept seeing that demon doll from the horror movie Childâ??s Playâ??and named him after Cary Grantâ??s character in Arsenic and Old Lace, Mortimer Brewster, who was so glad to find out that he was â??adoptedâ? and therefore wouldnâ??t inherit the familyâ??s insanity.)

We drove to North Dakota to spring him from the James River Humane Society where heâ??d been deposited as a stray. The ad in Petfinder said he was three. A visit to our vet, where we learned he had advanced degenerative arthritis, got the response, â??Well, I donâ??t think heâ??s quite ten.â?

I was heartbroken. How could Ludwig have blown it so? I felt Iâ??d lost seven years with my darling boy in a few seconds! Iâ??ve found that sometimes we have to thank the Universe/(Puppy) Powers that be for keeping us in the dark and not giving us exactly what we wish for. They give us what we need.

In all honesty, knowing Mortimerâ??s advanced age would have deterred us from adopting him just then, as I couldnâ??t bear the thought of losing another senior so soon after Ludwigâ??s passing. But if we hadnâ??t been blissfully unaware, we wouldnâ??t have welcomed into our lives this phenomenally wonderful dog. He soon had two younger siblings to keep him young at heart, too.

By the time I started writing the book, I had added to my family those three Westies (yes, Iâ??m brand loyal, but theyâ??re always rescues), namely Mortimer, Blanche and Keely. They blended in beautifully with fellow rescues Giles and Xander (my cats), and Atticus and Scout (my finches).

My bond with all of these animals led me to pursue ordination as an animal chaplain, to further help me reach out in a meaningful way to others who are dealing with the pain of pet loss. Mortimer taught me to live in the moment as much as possible and to cherish every moment with our beloved companions. We made a concerted effort to ensure his last years were splendid, too. The experience tested my convictions in the book and showed me what Iâ??d learned in researching and writing it really did work to help my heart heal after my much-loved Mortimer passed away rather suddenly just after Iâ??d finished the book and turned over its pages to the designer for layout. His story became the bookâ??s poignant epilogue. I have a peaceful heart knowing he and Ludwig both are properly immortalized and thanked for their invaluable roles in this life-changing venture.

I can see now the reason Ludwig found me this superb seniorâ??so his passing would perfectly timed for me to have my two precious dogs as my â??bookends.â?

Sid Korpi
Author Good Grief: Finding Peace After Pet Loss
<www.goodgriefpetloss.com>

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Pets for Kids – “10 Essential Reality Checks!”

Pets for Kids – “10 Essential Reality Checks!”

Essential Reality Check No. 1 â?? The Type of Pet for kids

The type of pet you can take into your household will depend on a whole host of things such as follows: How much will the pet costs be – not just to buy – but to care for on a daily basis? The ages of your kids – a two year old child will probably not be able to handle a pet gently and certainly wonâ??t be able to care for the petâ?¦.. What size of pet does your child want? – What space will be needed? A hamster does not take up much space but guinea pigs, ferrets and rats need much larger cages. How much time do your kids and you as a family have to give to the pet? Will your family be safe with the pet?

Will the pet be safe with your family? If you have a larger pet such as a dog, cat, or goat what effects will it have on your family, friends and neighbours? How will your pet be cared for during your holidays. Will your family be able to cope with the eventual death of a pet? Some pets will sleep most of the day and be awake at night. Hamsters can be very noisy at night! If your child wants a dog you will need to look into the breed, size and exercise needs of the dog. Do you already have another pet, what effect will it have on that pet. For instance will your dog be ok with a cat or rabbit or bird? .

Essential Reality Check No. 2 â?? True Costs of Pets for Kids

Some pets are very cheap to buy for instance hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish. gerbils, fancy rats, fancy mice and rabbits and even ferrets. You will still need to consider: The cage set up ( this can be very expensive when looking at the cage sizes that most pets need) in fact they need the largest cage you can manage Food costs per week Bedding Vets bills if your pets become ill. e.g. Ferrets need a yearly injection against canine distemper. Holiday care – you will need to pay for this of course if you cannot rely on friends and family.

Bigger pets such as goats, and dogs and pedigree cats are far more expensive to buy initially, some costing hundreds of pounds. You will need to consider: Bedding and a cage (if buying one for your dog or cat) Leads and collars for dogs. Food bills Vets bills (dogs should have yearly check ups with a vets) Toys Holiday care (kennels can be very expensive) Flea treatment Ongoing veterinary costs if your pets becomes chronically ill.

Essential Reality Check No. 3 â?? Ages of your Kids

As the parent or carer you will need to decide if your child is old enough to handle and care for a pet. How often have parents heard the cry â??oh but we promise weâ??ll take it for walks everydayâ? Or â??weâ??ll clean it out mum, we promiseâ?. How will you feel in a years time when you find yourself caring for the pets because the kids are busy with friends or away on a school trip or inundated with homework or just plain bored with the poor thing You will need to decide on a pet that is suitable for the age of your kids. For instance in most cases it would not be wise to buy a hamster for a two year old child who is still adapting to the world around them and may not know or be able to handle the hamster gently.

Do you want to give your kids some responsibility in caring for an animal. Some kids are very responsible and will be able to manage this. Other kids, well the sight of a baby animal is just too appealing, after all who can resist a cute puppy or kitten or baby hamster? At first you may need to help your kids, as caring for a pet is a very responsible job. As a parent or carer you will always need to oversee a petâ??s care.

,Essential Reality Check No. 4 â?? The Space Required

Even small pets for kids such as guinea pigs, fancy rats and ferrets need a lot of cage space for a happy life. They will need the biggest cages you can find space for. These pets also need space to exercise out of the cage. Cats take up very little space, as do small breeds of dogs. Dogs will need a decent sized garden as well as walks to keep them well exercised.

Essential Reality Check No. 5 â?? Time for your Pets

Do you and the family have time for a pet. For smaller pets for kids you will need to have them out of the cage and being handled daily for at least 2 hours a day. Do you have time to clean out your pet at least once or twice a week, or even daily? Some pets will certainly need the toilet corner of their cage cleaned more often to avoid a foul smelling cage and pet. Water bottles and food bowls will need cleaning and refilling every day.

Will you be able to walk your dog at least once a day? – dependent on the breed some need more! Are you willing to look after your pets for the many years some can live? (From 18 months to 2 years for a mouse up to 15 years for a dog) If you are out at work all day and the kids are at school all day your pets will need and will demand attention when you return home

Essential Reality Check No. 6 â?? Your Pet and Family Safety

You will always need to ensure your kids safety when they are spending time with any pets for kids. Even little pets can bite and leave a wound. Dogs should not be left unattended with your kids as they are unpredictable. Even a faithful dog will bite and even attack a child if they are in pain or afraid. It happens rarely – but it does happen. You will also need to ensure your pets safety: Is your child able to handle a pet safely without hurting it. Is your pet safe with any other pets in the home? – if you have young children and a dog â?¦. you will need to make sure the dog cannot escape because a door is accidentally left open.

If you have a dog you need to ensure visitors safety as you can be sued if your dog bites someone on your property (or even off your property) Make sure that when pets are having free time out of cages that: Other pets cannot hurt them They cannot chew electrical leads They cannot fall into toilets or baths of water. They cannot escape through gaps in walls or floors They cannot get outside without supervision

Essential Reality Check No. 7 â?? Effects on Family and Neighbours

The whole family needs to be in agreement if you are getting pets for kids. Pets can be noisy and messy having an effect on family living. What effect will a pet such as a dog have on Granny who suffers with an allergy – will that mean she cannot come to visit anymore? If you get a dog will it bark and howl when you leave them for any length of time and will this annoy your neighbours. Will the dog bark when your neighbours are in their own garden. How will your neighbours take to having your pet cat mess in their garden? You will need to keep your yard free of dog mess to ensure it does not smell -particularly in summer months.

Essential Reality Check No. 8 â?? Holidays and Care for Pets

If you have pets for kids what will happen to them during your holiday times. Do you have family or friends who can care for your pets while you are away. If not you will have to pay for your pets care. This will be expensive for dogs, cats and larger animals. Even for little pets, holiday care can be expensive.

Essential Reality Check No. 9 â?? Loss of a Pet and Grief

Some children are really sensitive and will be distraught when their beloved pet eventually passes away, or is lost in some way. This is especially distressing if the pet has died as a result of an accident or illness. How will you manage this? The kids will need to grieve, grieving is a healthy part of a loss reaction. We can suffer losses every day in a small way such as not getting something we want, this causes a loss reaction and part of the healing for this is grief. If your child or other family member struggles with the grieving then look at the following and see if it applies. The grieving process has seven stepping stones through which people move. Your family member may not go through them in order or spend long on any one.

The stepping stones are: Shock, Denial, Guilt, ,Anger, Depression Bargaining, Acceptance Your child may want another pet this is called bargaining and is one of the stepping stones through the grief process. If your child cannot have another pet, break down the hidden losses that the death of their pet has caused. Could there be a loss of your childâ??s self worth or self esteem. Have they lost their only companion. Has your child lost the only one who listened to them. By chatting try to find out how your child is feeling and help them to work out their losses and then work through to acceptance by doing some healthy bargaining.

Would your child be able to regain their sense of worth or self esteem another way? Perhaps helping out with a friends pet for instance. For some children it may be helpful to have a burial service, so they can say goodbye properly. (My son kept some hair from his beloved dog) Our kids have managed the deaths of their pets really well and have gone on to have other pets, for other kids though it has more of an effect so you will need to decide when or if to replace your childâ??s pet.

Essential Reality Check No. 10 â?? Pets for Kids are GOOD FUN!!!

Pets for kids are for the most part a great addition to the family.. They are often good company for your kids especially if the kids are lonely. Kids can learn a lot from caring for pets and by having pets even when they are lost naturally. Dogs can encourage the family out to get exercise as they walk the dog. All our kids love their pets and they are an important part of the family. So whatever pet you decide upon have fun and enjoy

Dealing With the Loss of a Loved Pet

Dealing With the Loss of a Loved Pet

Our relationship with companion animals

The relationship between people and animals has changed in more recent times. “Pets” have become “companion animals”, describing a more mutual relationship. We derive many benefits beyond companionship. Caring for them helps maintain our own health, they play a key role in our daily routines and leisure activities, they act as social lubricants, they stabilize our lives with their constant presence and unconditional devotion, and help us through rough times. Many owners consider their companion animals to be a family member.

Death is an inevitable part of pet ownership because of their relatively short life spans. It’s something that will affect most of us at some time, yet despite the unavoidability, when it happens it takes us completely by surprise, and the shock and grief becomes a very personal affair that we may struggle to deal with.

The Death

The grief felt by the loss of a pet is unique, and can elicit strong feelings that often parallel the grief response to the loss of a human companion. It is natural to feel shock, disbelief, numbness, anger, pain, hurt, sadness, guilt and overwhelming grief.

The loss of a pet may have many more implications other than the loss of companionship. The absence of the pet often creates secondary disruptions such as the loss of enjoyable past times. There may also be “symbolic loss” where the pet represented a last link with special people, or times. If the pet’s death removes those links, old losses are re-grieved in conjunction with current ones.

Things are often made worse by the total lack of understanding from those who believe the loss means nothing.  We live in a society where speaking about death is keenly avoided, yet an estimated 75% of owners experience difficulties after pets die.

Euthanasia

Euthanasia literally means “good death”, but coming to terms with the loss of a pet may be particularly difficult if you were in the position of having to have them put to sleep. Many people will experience feelings of guilt. You may ask yourself whether you did the right thing, or re-examine what more you could I have done.  This is normal. I am sure you will have done all that you could, which is the most we can ever do.

Making that decision shows the enormous amount of love you had for your pet, and your ability to put their well being before your own thoughts of loss. When a pet we love is ill and suffering, there is no other choice but making the decision to have their life ended.

Grieving

Grieving is a process not an event. The process consists of a number of stages: disbelief, pain, anger, guilt and acceptance.

Immediately after the death of a pet, the owner often feels shock or denial. It may be hard to accept the animal is no longer with us. Our homes may feel very empty, and our days long any lonely.

The middle phases involves emotional pain, and feelings of guilt, anger and depression. This is the time when you need the support of family and friends.

There is often no clear beginning or end to the grieving process. Each person grieves differently. You may get stuck in one phase, or skip others. Healing will take a dissimilar amount of time for each individual.

The last stage of the process is acceptance and recovery. You may still experience sadness, but you will have accepted the reality of the loss of your pet, and can look back with happiness on the many pleasant memories of your time together.

Occasionally, grief can remain unresolved. This is a very real problem and was a major contributory factor in the establishment of the Pet Bereavement Support Service.

Coping

The death of a pet is very upsetting, and it is important to allow yourself to grieve. Don’t feel embarrassed about crying. It helps when you release these intense emotions. If grief is freely expressed, healing time is greatly reduced. When the expression of grief is inhibited, recovery takes longer.

On the Internet you will also find a number of moving poems. “Rainbow Bridge” is one example. Briefly, this says that dogs go to a place outside the gates to Heaven. Their illnesses are cured, old dogs become young again, and they play together happily, waiting for the arrival of the owner they left behind so that they can enter Heaven together. I’m not sure that I believe in Heaven, but the imagery makes me very emotional, and I hope my dog has found Rainbow Bridge. If you need to cry, find and read this poem.

Try to remember your pet in whichever way helps: talk about them, look at their photos, or write about them. I wrote a letter to my dog. I knew he would never read it, but it helped me to say goodbye. I needed to tell him how proud I had been of him, how much I had enjoyed our time together, and apologise for the occasions when I had been annoyed or didn’t have the time to play.

In a family, there may be differences in the way that people express their grief, and this can create conflict due to a lack of understanding of what others are feeling. It’s very important to talk with family members, and share your feelings. My letter to my dog helped my wife to better understand how I was feeling.

Sometimes other people do not recognise the extent to which the loss of your pet may be affecting you. It is not uncommon to hear comments like “it was only a dog”, or “you can easily get another one”. It is important for you to have someone who knows from personal experience how distressing the loss of a pet can be, and who will listen with compassion and without judgement. The Blue Cross, Britain’s pet charity, runs the Pet Bereavement Support Service and telephone help line (0800 096 6606). Volunteers who are trained to deal with pet bereavement problems provide advice and counselling. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.

There are many Internet web sites where you can create a memorial – just a few words to record your sorrow and love. It helps you release your feelings, and appreciate there are many other people who feel the same way.

Don’t rush into any decisions as you may do something you will regret. Tidy away their things if it helps you, but don’t dispose of them. Some people will want to get another pet, but don’t do this too quickly as you need time to come to terms with your loss.

Closure

When we lose a person we love, they would ultimately want us to move on with our lives and be as happy as we can. It is the same when we loose a loved pet  – they too would want us to move on, be happy, and remember the good times with them.

Although coming to terms with the loss of a loved pet can be devastating, it is also a reflection of the pleasure they brought to us during their life. The pain and sadness will diminish.

If you have a lot of love and caring to give to another pet, that would be a really good thing to do – but when the time is right for you. You pet would want you to love again.

 Portraits by John Burton

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Pet Loss

Love…


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Pet Loss

Pet Loss – it’s not easy
My husband and I lost our beloved cat and it felt as if we had lost a child, there is no other way I can describe it, it seemed as if nothing else mattered in our world. And I am not one of those people who has animals instead of children, I do have children and grand children who I love dearly but I also loved my cat dearly too.

You have to ignore the sniggers from others because they think you are mad, but you know that you have loved and cared for one of gods creatures to the best of your ability and should feel proud of that fact and also that you are a more caring person than your non animal lover counter part.

It is up to you to do everything you can to get through your loss, there aren’t many understanding people around who will help you. Close friends and family are usually quite good if they have pets themselves as they will understand some of your pain.

Allow yourself to grieve and allow enough time to grieve, take time off work, take time out, sort through your photos of your pet, plan a rememberance day and this can be just you and your memories, have a rememberance item made there are loads to choose from online, there are pet crematoriums or a pet cemetery, do whatever you need to do or what you think will help you and don’t worry what other people will think. This is your grieving time, allow yourself to do it.

Don’t hide your grief
I have a relative who was told the awful news that her cat had cancer and the kindest option was to put the cat to sleep. This lady couldn’t bring herself to be with her cat in its final moments because she was worried about what people would think of her if she cried in public. I think this is so sad where we live in a society where we worry so much what other people will think of us.

Grief, no matter who its for, should be an emotion we don’t have to hide.

Like any other loss you don’t ever get over it but you do get through it and it does becomes easier to cope with. I found it very difficult to think of all the good times with out cat when he had been so ill and all I could think about was memories of him being ill. But no that some time has passed I have moved on from that and can think about all the fun memories I have, I think about all the funny little things he used to do and how much he made us laugh.

So please don’t beat yourself up, I promise you it does get easier with time. As they say time is a great healer and it is but you also have to help yourself. It is so important to heal your heart when you are grief striken, if the grief dosen’t come out it will transpire into something else which you don’t want. So for goodness sake please allow yourself to GRIEVE for the sake of your health.

I hope in reading this it has helped anyone who is going through a Pet loss, you are not on your own.

With much Love
Christine

www.healing-for-health.com/pet-loss.html

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5 Ways to Help You Deal With Pet Loss

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5 Ways to Help You Deal With Pet Loss

Copyright (c) 2009 Rebecca Kimes

Losing a beloved pet is often one of the most significant losses in your life. Your loss will cause you to suffer from crying, depression, appetite loss, sleeplessness, anger, guilt and anxiety.

It?s important to know that everything you are going through is a natural process. However there are steps, tools, and processes you can take advantage of that will make the grieving process easier.

Here are 5 tips that will help during the grieving process and allow you to move on with your life more quickly and easily.

Acknowledge That You Have the Right to Grieve

All too often the grieving process is complicated by feelings that you are over-reacting to the loss of your pet. “Why are you upset, it was only a cat” is something that many of your friends and family might say.

These people may be trying to help but they do not comprehend the bond you had with your loyal animal friend. Realize right now that it was and still is a meaningful, heart-felt relationship and you have every right to deeply miss your companion and grieve.

Form a Support Network

During this vulnerable time surround yourself with people who understand and are empathetic to your situation. There are many support systems and communities available. Your veterinarian may have suggestions as well as your local humane society. Many towns offer pet loss support groups you can attend. There are on-line forums and communities where you can connect with people in the same situation.

Perform a Ritual

When you feel ready performing a ritual is a way to formally say goodbye to your companion. It also gives you permission to move on with your life. You could have a funeral for you pet even several weeks or months after their passing. Consider performing a candle ceremony with select friends and family. Let your inner creativity shine and design a ritual from your heart. Know that whatever you choose will be perfect.

Take Care of Your Body

The grieving process affects your body. During such times it is important to give your body extra care and attention. Going for walks out in Nature can clear your head and ground you. Exercise can help put you body back in balance.

Consider getting a massage. Massages release toxins and relax you. Think of other things you can do to take better care of yourself during these times of grief?

Learn to Soothe Yourself

Soothing yourself is an important process to learn and implement during times of intense grief. It is a way to feel better and allow yourself to move up the vibrational scale.

Essentially, talk to yourself as you would talk to a hurt child. ?I know that I am feeling extremely down today. But that?s OK. I?ll be with what I feel because I know that really soon I?ll feel better. I know that I have lots of options right now. I could go on-line and connect with new friends. Or I could call my grief coach. I am certain that these feelings of grief will soon go away. I also know that my animal companion is with me, right now, in spirit. And if I become still, and go within I can easily connect with her spirit. In fact, I am feeling better and better right now. Yes, I do feel better. And I will feel even better if I take a hot bath right now. I am very thankful that I have some time to relax and take wonderful care of myself. I deserve it.?

Play with this new tool often, whenever you feel like you would like a little lift to your spirits. You will be amazed at how effective soothing yourself is.

Take heart that although this is a seemingly impossible time you will soon feel better. There are many resources and people to help you elegantly recover from the loss of your beloved animal companion.

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